Thursday, September 8 and the early morning hours of Sept 9 will be forever etched in my memory.
Anyone who knows mine and my former husbands’s story know that a hell of a lot of work has gone into our marriage. They know of the heartache. If anyone was reading closely on Aug 7th, in “Dreams” post, they would have come across: “We’ve seen some incredible painful times – infidelity of heart and/or body, broken trust, anger, rage, depression, wound cleansing, warfare counseling & prayer, bankruptcy, separation, life threatening illnesses, several surgeries.. it’s been excruciating at times. We’ve each seen how we have been/are abusive to the other. We’ve battled some of our deepest held lies, started by some of our deepest wounds. We’ve spent nights in fights, nights alone, nights in prayer, nights together…” To flesh that out, on my part, there was the emotional idolatry/adultery – the worst of which was my clinging to something other than Elohim for my feeling of self worth; the lie I believed that YHWH’s love was not enough. Praise Yah, that lie was broken in 2007. YHWH’s love is enough for me, I am His Beloved, and from Him I take my identity!
On his part, there were 4 affairs… They started for different reasons, the temptation was designed to bring to light areas needing healing. Each time, I asked YHWH what my response was to be? Just a week before the first, I’d told Him I wanted to be a missionary. He’d made it clear that my Home was my mission field and that just as missionaries sacrifice much for the sake of souls in distant lands, so I might be asked to sacrifice much for the sake of the souls in my home, for the sake of Loving them with His Love (which I was by no means perfect at!) So, when I learned of the first & second affairs, I asked, “What would Your Love do here?” He asked me to stay, asked me to sacrifice my heart, asked me to Love, to offer grace and truth (ie, not hide my own hurt over what had occurred) and I followed His Heart into Hosea’s story as my husband started the road toward sexual healing and I did my own healing along the way in that area of my life… The third affair brought our second “official” separation last winter; but again, the move toward grace, towards healing the underlying issues that had created the temptation – susceptibility to flattery and a draw to material possessions as she was copiously rich and making huge promises… The last one started less than 8 mos later, and greatly impacted the events of this past summer, and of Sept 8 & 9. (When I first wrote this blog, I knew there was at the very least emotional involvement, but had no confirmation of sexual infidelity … I received confirmation in late October, so am updating as it is part and parcel of what I’m dealing with now.)
In addition, there was a lot of rage, and more than once when I stood between impatience or rage and my children. It brought two years of “unofficial” separation, where we stayed home, while he worked chasing hail, with promises of counseling in the fall…. There was always too much work, not enough time…. 😥
Anyone who knows our story also knows the good – the joy, the times of peace. They know that in 2007 we fell in love all over again, and I truly found my very best friend, who knew me so very well… They also know of times spent talking, seeking YHWH, really drawing so very close to one another, and to Him. They rejoiced with us in the triumphs, in the amazing events of this last spring when we had an extended family warfare counseling session, and generations old bonds were broken. They likely anticipated our enemy’s counter attack as he’s loathe to give up ground… They cried tears of joy with us, this summer, as they watched my husbands’s humility and my Eldest son’s faith, as they went into the water together and he baptized our son. (eventually, I will be making a post about that. Despite the horrific rending that has occurred since, I know that was the right choice, and don’t regret a minute of it.)
Point being, much, MUCH has gone before in our 16 years of marriage, 18 yrs of knowing one another. As I wrote in “Love Well”, asking YHWH, “what would your love do here, in this?” has been a mantra of my life… since early 1990’s..
Back to Sept 8/9th… when guilt, shame, past history, bitterness, demonic influence, rage, & anger took over, and what had always been given freely in love, out of relationship & connection, was taken by force & coersion, I was left in shock; and so reeling from the trauma I shook for a full day non stop, and wrestled thru panic attacks & periods of shaking in the following days. Trust was decimated. At some point that night, I remember saying, “Don’t do this to the foundation of our marriage” and in the spiritual realm, I clearly watched a massive sledgehammer hit and destroy the foundation of faith & covenant relationship which promised honor, love, respect and the mutual giving of oneself in love and vulnerability in every aspect of our lives (mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual, physical), and had gotten us thru so many tough hard times. Just last year, we’d given invited Yeshua into US in ways that were stunningly beautiful and left us breathlessly in Love with Him… The loss of that sacred space is devastatingly heartbreaking. What occurred that night was way more than the physical act… because it destroyed the foundation of our marriage. Within the next few days, two other things (including the affair he was in) hit my radar in ways which were confirming of that sinking knowledge that any basis of trust was gone.
I wrote: “Deeply Aching. Prayers appreciated.” How does one communicate something so painful, so personal?
As I drove to my mom’s I pondered what to do next. I had no answers. I was in a state of shock…
I knew I needed to pray, and I was. “Lord, what would you have me do here?” At some point Friday evening, I was pretty sure I spiritually heard, “Let Him Go.” I wasn’t 100% sure if it was me, or YHWH as I was still in tremendous shock, but I also knew that to be true to myself, my heart, Letting go was the only honest option; and it certainly sounded like His still small voice. The next morning, once my children were settled safely in their grandma’s care, I asked a family friend to drive me the 4 hrs back to file a police report, and an order of protection. That was just… incredibly hard. Be honest, Be straightforward, Be concise… Field incredibly hard questions… all while shaking and having a panic attack… Can we say Stressful!
On the way home, a friend called me, knowing something was up, but not really what. I was incredibly brief in the telling.. the words mechanical, distant – that happens after telling several police officers your story. YHWH gave the right words to say in response, words I desperately needed to hear.
“Wow, I can’t even say how much this whole thing pains me. It was from you I first heard the idea of True Husband, that God was really the lover we all dream of. You explored the depths of your heart, God’s heart, Rudy’s heart, God’s heart for Rudy, with more courage and strength than most I know would have…
It’s always been about God – once you came to know Father with some intimacy, you’ve loved others out of His love. So, know that none of the love you’ve given is wasted. Don’t fret that the offering you poured out is simply on the ground. God is in the ground, He receives your best gratefully, He knows the pain, tears, and growth that have passed through your heart and none of it is lost. Your intimacy with Him is not wasted nor gone.
Were this just a human relationship, you would have given up long ago – it was the love of Abba flowing through you and into those around you that made these years possible. You have always been and are now, in Love, in relationship, with your True Husband. Cherish your wise investment during these challenging days.”
These words brought tears, and it was deeply grounding, bringing me back to center, to my relationship with & for Yahweh.
After arriving back “home” at my mom’s she and I were talking about this. I said something like, “I’ve always asked YHWH, what would your love do Here, In This?” She replied, but I didn’t hear her.. I was continuing that question to Him… YHWH, what would your Love do? In This??
In that place where Holy Spirit speaks, my spirit heard clearly, “What My LOVE DID was to let my Beloved Bride Israel go. When she persisted in chasing after other less wild lovers, when she completely disregarded our covenant, and disrespected me in the worst of ways, I let her go, in Love, and gave her a writ of divorce. You do the same, here, in this; remaining in my Love. And, you will be drawn deeper into My grieving heart as you walk thru this”
His words were the confirmation I so needed after the day I’d had.
I’d stepped out in faith, believing the earlier message to “let him go” to be YHWH’s voice. I’d started the excrutiating process of letting go by making the reports earlier in the day. And now, YHWH was gently saying, “That’s it. You can do this. Let me wrap my arms around you and reassure you.”
The next day, I read the first 5 chapters of Jeremiah which talk about His Brides choices, and His aching heart, and his letting Israel go… Further confirmation…
I now understand why Elohim says He hates divorce. He himself is divorced. He let Israel go in Love, and allowed her the free choice to chase other lovers… and then He grieved as He watched the consequences fall on her. I get that all too well… So much loss… So many hopes and dreams for covenant relationship & intimacy gone… I get the desperation in His voice as he pleads continuously with His people to repent thru the prophets. I also understand that in the end, Love steps back in allowing freedom of choice. Love let’s go. Love also always protects… even when that means one’s own heart, and the hearts of one’s children.
So, in summary… In being both honest with myself regarding what I can & can’t handle, what is protective of my heart, my children; and in obedience to YHWH – I’m letting Rudy go. I make no promises for the future other than that I will follow YHWH’s directive to “let go” just as doggedly as I’ve followed previous words of direction. I recognize that is a process and won’t happen all at once… We came to an agreement out of court on the Protective Order, which stands for 1 year. Divorce paperwork is being drawn up. The boys and I have moved out, and they speak to the father daily, will see him regularly. Our oldest has an incredible Grandma who has taken over homeschooling for the past 3 weeks while I wrapped up details, packed our belongings with the help of some incredible friends!, met with authorities & lawyers, etc.
There is much loss. There is much grief. I wonder if I will trust again in such an intimate relationship as marriage. There is separation anxiety with the boys; and the missing of friends and home. I’m still in “business” mode, but I know emotions will come. I will not be airing them here, but I will be writing, processing. I have a wonderfully supportive group of friends and family around me, and I know YHWH loves me, us, and will heal our hearts.
My former spouse is on his own healing journey, for his actions have not come out of a vacuum, but out of many factors, ranging from demonic strongholds to early childhood abuse to a deep distrust of YHWH etc. He has started a blog, you may ask him for the link should you want to support him on his path to healing. I will not be reading. Someday, much healing from now, I’ll be in a place where I will rejoice in his journey towards YHWH. For now, I can’t hold his story.. I’m letting go. Please respect that and don’t bring questions to me regarding it. If you have concerns, feel free to contact him, or if you feel I just must know, take it to one of my family members to screen. This is a very firm boundary. I can’t hold his story, and let go… It’s not out of a lack of Abba’s Love or Respect for him as a human and creation of Elohim’s. It’s because I respect and Love YHWH enough to obey.
My prayer is that in the end, redemption will come for all of our hearts and souls. Yeshua came to set the captives free, to heal the brokenhearted. May the work He has started in us be completed, and may the family of 4 that once lived at Blackberry Cottage meet at Yeshua’s feet at the Wedding Feast of the Lamb, when He finally re-marries the remnant of Israel willing to forsake all others, all past, all pain, all coping mechanisms and truly be His Covenant Bride.
Yeshua, come quickly … but in the perfect time.
The timing of writing those last words is incredible. I started this days ago, but as I wrote the last paragraph, music began on another tab I have open. It’s live streaming from Passion for Truth’s Yom Teruah Celebration tonight (http://www.pftfellowship.com/) . They keep the Orthodox calendar, and we won’t be celebrating for another two days, however, Jim has been a huge blessing to me, especially His teaching titled Identity Crisis.
Back to timing… Yom Teruah. Known as “judgement is coming” Feast of Trumpets.
Also known as the “Bridegroom cometh” sounding of Trumpets. Preparation includes donning pure white robes… Wedding attire…
On THE Day this feast foreshadows, when the trumpets will sound, when the voice declares,
“Behold, The Bridegroom Comes !!!” may our hearts have surrendered all at His cross, may we be ready to meet Him, and to join the dance and meeting of souls in the Intimacy Only He can bring on the glass sea.
As the first strains of “come just as you are to worship. Come just as you are before your God” ring thru my speakers, and the sun paints the sky red (sailor’s delight), I’m filled with hope for the Morning. Sonrise will come for our hearts. The dark night of our souls, of grief, of meeting our darkest foes will one day end, and the Son will come and make us each whole.
Yeshua, give me the strength and courage and wisdom to walk thru this dark moonless night, to let You lead me, step by step, even when I can see nothing in front of me, but only hear your voice saying, “Let Go. Follow deeper into my Heart.” ….