Seven Years Ago, I asked my friends to help me find “my” story and sent them the following email, “Dear friends, I am in the process of defining “my truth”. As in what is the truth about who I am, where I am, my marriage, where Rudy is, how God sees my life, How I see my life, my weaknesses, my strengths, etc. As opposed to, how my utopian, hopeful self has seen my life or how my melancholy self has seen my life, or even how outsiders who don’t love me have seen my life. I’ve spent some time journalling what I think my truth is. Now I need your help. If you have time, i’d appreciate you jotting down a few words (or more) that describe how you see me. Please be honest, brutally honest if necessary. I’m not going to be offended. I want the good and the bad. And, if you can think of a story character that best describes me and my story, please include that as well. Feel free to choose from any story – children’s, adult, fairy tale, epic, Bible, movie, tv, book, etc. Give the reference so I can go see/read it if I’m not familiar with it. (highly likely given my limited exposure to fairy tales, stories and epics) I got the idea for asking you this from the book “Waking The Dead” by John Eldredge in which the author describes a community of friends who are working thru life together. He states that the community is often helpful in that they help us remember “our story”. Since I don’t live in such a community, I thought i’d ask you, my dear friends in several states to help me out with my story. Thank you in advance and love to you all, ” One of the responses I received was from a dear friend, Nov 3, 2004 (about 2 wks before Rudy’s first affair), and it was here that I found my screen name: “When describing the truth about an individual, we must be careful not to describe what has been, but rather what will be, can be, or was meant to be. Past failures, habits, or traits are not accurate indicators of the truth. Most of us live our lives out of our past script. When we are taken into God’s family, this script is destroyed. However since we are so far from home, it is difficult for us to hear what God really means our life to be. So in lieu of searching out the truth, we often resort to past messages, the pronouncements of friends or experts, or life circumstances because these are much easier to hear from where we are. I am going to attempt to see give you what is real… What I see is Abigail. You know the one who was wise and fearless and just trying to take care of her household. You are a great mom. You are a wise home-maker. You aren’t afraid to make a decision and stick to it. You aren’t afraid to try new things. You are strong. I have to be honest, you look like two bits’a nothin’, but that doesn’t fool me. You are titanium and kevlar (extremely tough) in a small package. You will serve God at any cost. You will be a good mom at any cost. Those things are priceless and our enemy cannot stand it. He will try to undermine this idea in you at any cost. Be honest. You probably struggle with identity. You probably have thoughts that tell you to give up or that you’re not good enough. You’ve battled some of these mesages, but they probably come back. If satan can make us forget who we are or forget who God is, we’re toast. Don’t give him an inch. Reread the previous paragraph. That is you sister! If you don’t think so, go ask God. He’ll tell you the same thing.” A few Months later, I attended a women’s retreat where the speaker, Patricia Gray spoke of 4 queens of the Bible, and used them to describe the different types of women in the world, when they are truly shining. Abigail she said, was the active, outdoors country girl, not afraid to take on a challenge, nor to head out on a daring adventure. It was confirmation for me, in what YHWH was speaking to me. I’m still that person – I’m active, love the out of doors, and am not afraid of a challenge… However, as time went on my “calling” as Abigail became intrinsically tied to Rudy… Within weeks of my coming to the name Abigail, I was quite certain he was Nabel as he was quite in the middle of his own folley of his first 2 affairs, and here I stood between him and the consequences of his foolish choices, much like Abigail stood between her household and David who was bringing the consequences to Nabel. Once we moved thru that painful time in our lives, I eventually wrote the following, which was my profile with the picture below for a very long time at the Ransomed Heart Forum: “I’m finally at a point of comfortable in my own skin. I feel fairly settled in who I am as a woman – both my glory to shine and my fierceness. It took several pages of handwritten journal to tell the story of how I came to this place, but the nutshell is, especially in having dealt with Rudy/”David” ‘s affairs 2 years ago, and doing a lot of personal healing since then God has brought me very clearly to my calling in life, my passion, my “name” … 2 years ago I had the chance to be this “Me” in front of old friends. I’ve came away feeling a real freedom in being me, being all God created me to be. I’m called to beauty, to grace, but also to a feminine fierceness. Fierce in love, in fighting for my family, in my passion for life… Abigail set out after her servants, whom she sent to David with gifts of food. She caught up, & rode out in front of them. Placing herself between her family, her domain, & a very angry David plus his army of angry men. She presented a fierce bravery… yet it was her kind feminity that shone thru and called David up short. She called him out, to be better, to not give way to his anger, to not disgrace himself by avenging Nabel’s folly. She fiercely stood between David & his own downfall. In my marriage – that’s where I am. I can’t change my “David” ‘s heart, I can’t make his decisions, I can’t atone for his sins. But I can call him out – in kindness and humility, in beauty, & reflected glory, but also in a fierce loyalty to him, our sons, … our God.”
While I am still all that my friend so beautifully wrote,
my place of standing between Nabel and the consequences of his folley,
“David” and his own downfall,
This weekend, Yahweh spoke words of comfort and hope over me thru two dear brothers in Yah. They confirmed what I’d been sensing…
“Misty, when you wake up each morning, remember first and foremost to rest in His arms. You’ve stood when no one else was standing, you’ve gone above and beyond, you’ve fought the good fight. You’ve fiercely fought for your family in warfare prayer and strength, regardless of the blows to your heart.
Now is not your time to fight, it’s your time to rest!
It’s your time to let your heart heal, to rest in Your Lord’s arms.”
Next came the call to cross over the bridge across this chasm into my Savior’s intimate embrace.
As I answered that call, I didn’t walk across the bridge, I flew on His Wings…
I’m called His Beloved.
Asked To Rest in His arms.
“His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me. … I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine”