It occurred to me, last night, that those who aren’t in my intimate circle, those who may have stumbled to my blog from some internet search (a huge number of hits here come from searches), or new, “never met in person” acquaintances on FB might read my blogs and my daily FB “grateful” lists, and get the impression that I fart sunshine and roses… LOL.
This is a disclaimer saying, No, I don’t! I am very human with a huge range of emotions, which I allow myself to fully & deeply feel.
This is also an encouragement to anyone who finds themselves in a story similar to mine, or one uniquely theirs but just as, or even more painful… It’s okay to let yourself feel the range of emotions. It really is! God will love you thru that!!!!! Part of healing, part of maturity is allowing oneself to feel the appropriate emotions, give oneself permission to verbalize those emotions to the proper audience, and then, make decisions based not on the emotions, but on the direction of the Father.
This is also part confession, just so you know, clearly, just how human I am …
I have a closed blog, where I put the processing of my pain which is not fit for general human consumption – wear protective clothing before entrance kinda stuff. It’s full of my aching, wrestling, pain, cursing, frustration, humanity….
In the last year I’ve drank more wine than in all of the rest of my life. Okay, so, that wasn’t really hard, having grown up in an alcohol free zone, however, it’s still true. An inch in the bottom of my glass was enough to calm my nerves in those first few weeks & months so that I could sleep without my thoughts going a mile a minute (don’t laugh, it’s true! 😉 ) Beyond that, I always drank with friends, so I didn’t overdo it, and so I didn’t move myself into a closet mommy drunk, which, on some days, would be pretty easy. I’m back down to once a month or less now… but in those first few months, I definitely used alcohol to self medicate – Now I drink a glass occassionally to celebrate and to relax with friends. Chocolate is almost always involved 😀 .
I curse. Sometimes a lot! The pinnacle of that would likely have been the night, in that first week, when I sat on the living room floor of a dear friend’s apartment, with she and another friend, and a 2 inch stack of paper, filled with 2+ months of cell phone text logs (to/from, not content), highlighter in one hand, wine glass in the other. I started highlighting each offending entry, but quickly realized I’d blow thru too many highlighters, and too many hours of the night if I kept that up, so then I moved to circling groups of offending text entries, sometimes entire pages. The pages surrounding August 13 & Sept 8 brought especially heavy torrents of curses, as the story became CRYSTAL clear. At the same time, I was telling the second friend, the story, as he’d not yet heard it. I’m fairly certain the wine glass was refilled at least once. And I know they heard more curse words in the space of those three or so hours than they had in their entire lives. We laugh about it now. Thankfully, despite their surprise, they offered immense grace that night! I truly needed the space to get immensely angry.
As I said, in Bridal Portraits, there was the day I spent 2 hours bouncing/pounding/yelling/screaming my heart – all the anger, all the hurt – out on our trampoline. I’ve had more than I can count conversations with invisible person in the passenger seat, where I beat the steering wheel, cursed, yelled and set em straight… When talking about the boy’s birthday party, I warned, “Don’t bring up the past, the order of protection is as much for your good as it is mine. You don’t want to hear what I have to say right now!!” And, as I recall, a birdie went flying at one such event, and while it was in jest, it was also sincerely meant.
There are also days, when, on my grateful list, I say, “boys cuddles” and I am thankful for those. However, on those days, and many others, there are also times when I cross my eyes at my dad, head cocked and say thru clenched teeth, “If I have to listen to their bickering another minute I’m going to be knocking heads together.” Of course, I never have knocked heads together, and I wouldn’t even if I feel like it. I usually put myself in time out while they are in time out, so that I can collect myself enough to discipline in love, but believe me, some days are a serious struggle.
And, there are many, many days, when I feel like I’m in a circus with way too many balls in the air. My house clutter control ball gets dropped first, always. I end those days feeling a bit like a failure, and having to remind myself. “You are loved. YHVH’s love is enough. He delights in You. Be gentle with yourself, start again tomorrow! His mercies are new EVERY morning.” And they are!!
So no, I don’t fart sunshine and roses. Yes, I am incredibly human. There’s more I could say, but I think you get the point…
Mostly, I’m just a late 30’s woman on a journey toward wholeness, who is full of life – the good and the bad; who walks it out deeply, passionately, and who wants, more than anything, to walk it out with Yehovah. He has brought me to forgiveness, but I know there is more to come as I face the days ahead, and revisit the places of abuse – in order to heal, the pain.
He is perfect. Any perfection or beauty you see in me, is Him. And He, is Beautiful!! 😀