This was originally posted Nov 1, 2011, two months after my marriage ended and revised on Oct 31, 2012. Some things have changed, (see the notes at the bottom), there’s been a lot of healing… However, the intent of the blog remains the same.
*Reader’s note – Please do not take this blog as a personal attack, nor as judgement towards you. I respect choices of my friends and family in how they live their lives. I will not, nor do I want to force my beliefs onto you – if you want to know more, please ask, I’m not likely to offer other than bits tucked here and there on this blog. If you disagree, please do so respectfully. The following is my story and where I’m at, my processing tonight…
Tonight, I feel a bit out of place. Ok. A lot out of place. Very much like the exile – in a foreign land, far from home.
For the last 6 years, on this night, especially, I have prayed for “my mountain”, Yahweh’s Mountain really. He claimed it and pressed me to pray for it and all the people who lived there within a few months of moving to it. I’ve claimed it regularly since then, for Him, His use… I dedicated it once more before I left the place that I’d once made and called home. The place I’d poured my heart into, the place my children know as home… the place my husband always felt foreign to cause he was on the road for most of those 6 years and somehow had bought the miserable ass lie that he didn’t fit, was an outsider… It was home to us tho, the boys and I, and I dedicated it, and our Mountain to Yahweh one last time before leaving. I let it go. I had to. There were way too many factors that made it not a safe place to be. I don’t regret that decision. I returned to my Father’s house and I know that is the absolutely right place for me to be… still, it’s hard, still I feel like an exile.
Tonight, it feels more poignant. Usually, on this night, after the boys were in bed at their normal bedtime, with no sugar overdoses; I would spend time in prayer, warrior princess warfare prayer, for “my” mountain. Backwoods boys do tricks in ways that are dangerous. Bonfires lit in the middle of the road, trees felled across it… So, those prayers were first for literal, physical safety for the inhabitants of the mountain who might come across such “tricks”… but those prayers were also for the spiritual safety and sanctuary to be felt by the inhabitants of the mountain – human and animal. Yes, I prayed for the animals who lived there too – the deer, the fox, the bear and our resident mama mountain lion (she should have been sighted this year, but I’ve not heard any reports of her or her cubs – I’m a bit worried about her this fall), as well as the black panther that had been sighted further up the mountain. Part of the prayer for the animals did have an ulterior motive… namely that they would feel the peace of their Creator when they were on my property, and that they would recognize the presence of the Divine in ways that was honoring of them, and protective of my children who daily played in the yard, despite the fact that both the bear and the mountain lion have been sighted within sight of the cottage.
I also prayed for the people… for their spirits to feel the Presence of their Maker, for protection from demonic forces, and from the sinister nature of our Enemy’s use of this and other of his “holy” days in ways that are unspeakably horrific and terribly evil. I prayed against any such events from taking place on “His” mountain, and dedicated the land therein to Yahweh.
That’s how I normally spend Oct 31….
Tonight tho, I’m not there… it’s not my mountain, tho I do still love it – the elevation, the climate, the wildlife…. Tonight I’m an exile wandering in the wilderness and desolate land of broken trust.
Yes, of course, I could pray. I could dedicate this mountain to Him. I could dedicate “That” mountain to Him… but, the sense of need, of calling isn’t there tonight as it has been the last 6 years…
This tho, is just a little taste of something I’ve always felt on this night… A longing for my True Home.
My first “school” experience was in a little preschool program that started at the end of my driveway, when I was 4 or 5… Being so close to home, my mom thought it was a good opportunity and enrolled me. The teachers were nice, and I got to meet some of our nearby neighbors, as most of the teachers and staff lived nearby. Things went well, to my memory till Halloween rolled around. I was a gentle child, Highly sensitive, not only to external stimuli like noise and textures, but also to His Spirit and to all things Holy & Good, as well as all things sinister and evil, including innocuous things like toys that depict any degree of evil intent. As such, Halloween decorations absolutely frightened me. Put me quickly into tears. Mom tells me she removed me from the school at about that time, cause, to her credit, she saw that it was not good for my tender heart. Still, as I recall, we went trick or treating that year. That was the year that the witch came out of one house, the one just above the entrance to the “Piper’s” development, and I broke into tears on the spot. I think I “might” have gone trick or treating another 3 years… maybe. Seems like I chose to stay home after that….
A 4 year old exile, wandering… so far from Home, not belonging in the foreign culture I found myself in.
For most of my life I’ve wondered about some of the Bible, some of the culture… the worship, the Feasts, the meaning…. Almost 4 years ago now, I started on a journey to deeper understanding. It started with the History Channel’s program about Christmas. Sure, I’d heard the origins of Christmas were pagan, but really hadn’t thought it out in terms of what was consistent with my faith and beliefs. Here was a secular program, it wasn’t one of the “Christmas is evil” Christian naysayers. It penetrated deep. Did you know that Christmas originally looked a whole lot more like the revelry and debauchery of Halloween and Mardi Gras all mixed together? Did you know that the early Pilgrims from Europe did not celebrate Christmas because of it’s roots? Did you know that many of the stories, and even the attire of the Jolly Man in Red were introduced in America by retail store advertisers like Sears, Coca-Cola, Macy’s? and were intended to create business for them? Yeah, me either…. When we got to the end of watching that, we very much felt like the nationsof Jer 16:19 “O LORD, my strength and my stronghold,
my refuge in the day of trouble,
to you shall the nations come
from the ends of the earth and say:
“Our fathers have inherited nothing but lies,
worthless things in which there is no profit.”
We knew that our practices regarding Christmas must change.
The following summer, our pastor did a series on the feasts which I missed in person, but got copies of to listen to. I already wanted to know more about them… He’d invited a local elder of the Messianic congregation to help present Passover – I was thrilled! This was good stuff! Life caught up with me and flew by and it was early spring before I remembered, and was thankfully able to track down that elder, and attended Passover for the first time with that congregation. This coming Passover will be my 4th. I learn something new every year… I’ve gone from casual observer, learning and enjoying to dedicated participant still learning and enjoying! I’ve found home for some of my spiritual questions… many of them really. Not in the Messianic movement, but in the Scriptures… in understanding the culture of the Scriptures. Its a culture I belong to, a culture that is “the People of Yahweh/Yehovah”, the “Bride”… That Spiritual place were my True Husband is Home for my heart.
On the other hand, in choosing this path, in walking the yearly cycle of Yahweh’s Feasts out now for 3 years, and not celebrating Halloween, Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s etc I find myself often feeling like an exile, in a foreign land. I don’t regret that decision. I’ve come into my Father’s spiritual house and this is the absolutely right place for me to be. Still, it’s hard. Still, on nights like this, as I go wandering thru Facebook, I feel like a 37 year old exile, so far from Home (the place He said He was going to prepare for me, His bride) not belonging in the foreign culture I find myself in. …
Tomorrow will be better, I know… but for tonight I long for HOME and My True Husband, Yahshua. And tonight, I see that on this night when most of my friends and neighbors have gone trick or treating, I’ve been longing for Home for a very long time… some 33 years….
October 31, 2012
This past year has been good to me and I’m healing in beautiful ways.
The property in the mountains is now mine again, tho I don’t live there… and recently I had the opportunity to truly dedicate the land to YHVH in ways I’d not known to do before. LIFE has been spoken over my property, and over my mountain. It’s a lovely thing!
However, the point of this blog remains… at this time of year, especially, I feel like a sojourner… in a Land, Far from Home.
I can’t in good conscience mix the traditional practices (of Sunday, Halloween, Christmas, Easter, Valentines – all holidays with their foundations deeply rooted in paganism) into my life and YHVH’s calling to not mix the Holy with the Profane, and to Come out of Babylon. (For more on that see: Holiday History… as best as I can figure it & Holy days, Holidays – a look at Scripture & Equal Opportunity moment )
Yehovah’s calendar means more to me than it did last year. I love the Feasts including the Sabbath, that our Creator designed to be shadow pictures of Good things to come. I love the Substance they point to – the work and life Yeshua our Messiah.
Final goodbyes; Blackberry Cottage, Oct ’14
Nov 1, 2014
This year I’m in an even different place…. Last week, I removed all of the rest of any belongings from the little cottage on “my mountain”. Very likely, by next October, it will be in the bank’s hands. So, I’ve said my goodbyes…
Today, there is snow on the mountain… I love snow. I love snow in the TN mountains, snow that comes and is beautiful for a few days.. occasionally kept us in for a week, but mostly melts within 2-3 days. Just enough snow to play in, not so much snow that all you see are shades of white and grey for 3 mos.. Perfect! Where I am now, and where I’ve lived much of my life in southern TN, NC & AL it snows rarely, and usually less than 6 inches. Most of the time, it’s sleet or biting rain and 35 degrees. Just drop 3 degrees and snow will you!? I whine at the clouds… So, there’s the weather I miss.
There is also the solitude, the stillness, the wildlife, the sense of being “out”. Sure, it’s very convenient to be 5 minutes from town. But I miss feeling like I’m in the middle of no where.. or as the map says it, “Backwoods, TN” lol yep, that’s it. Backwoods…
Of course, I miss the people too, but telephones and visits make that manageable… and if I moved again, I’d miss the people here…
As time goes on, I’m learning from how my heart responds to healthy love & grace just how much ugly I’ve endured…I still don’t regret my decision to leave the mountain, to take solace in my earthly Father’s home, to not go back up there to live. In fact, after a conversation I had a few weeks ago, I know even more than ever that I am not to live there, in that house again, tho I love the house and the mountain… But knowing you are doing the right thing doesn’t make the longing or the loss any less… and so, this week the soundtrack in my head that has been constantly running has been Grant’s song, “Homesick” which he wrote after I posted this blog in 2011.
Oct 27, 2015
How life changes… How we grow… I was right, Blackberry cottage is no longer mine – due to unfulfilled commitments, the bank took ownership in April, and I’m emotionally okay. It was the first place I truly made “my home” and so I’m proud of it, but I don’t in any way regret having left 4 years ago. We’ve fully settled in here, tho the boys would love more room, more space. I have no idea what the future holds, but I feel on the cusp of new, good, moving forward, further healing, and that’s delicious. I’ve realized this fall, that what makes the mountains feel like home is the sweet cold spring water and fresh vibrant air of the Appalachians above 3000 feet elevation. My youngest son, the other day, compared that sweetness to Heaven Food. Maybe that’s why the mountains make me long for our True Home in Him 🙂 . In addition, my heart is tentatively considering the deeper meanings of “home” on earth. The “home is where the heart is” kind of home. The question, “What it is to know and be known deeply?” I know the coming year will bring even more changes. I’m no longer homesick for a geographical location… this year it’s another kind of homesick, another kind of longing ..
Homesick for an actual location on earth or for “where the heart is” makes me even more poignantly aware that I’m Homesick for Him… to be with Yehovah. I’m reminded of the end of the Chronicles of Narnia.. As the children moved away from Narnia, going further up and further in, the land before them was, to their surprise Narnia, only bigger, brighter, MORE… and it joined with their homeland of England, only bigger, brighter, MORE… That’s what the New Earth is all about… Home, just more of it! And most importantly the ultimate fulfillment of Sukkot which we celebrated just a few weeks ago… Immanuel… God living with US and we with Him – in arms, intimate, loving togetherness.
And so…yet again… at this time of year… my heart feels, in heavy doses, a longing for our True Home. …